“There’s an Elephant in the Room”

Have you ever been in a situation where everyone knows what’s going on but no one says a word. These situations make me crazeeeeeeee!!!!! 

However, unlike the little guy who shouted out, “The king isn’t wearing any clothes!” and TRUST ME ON THIS, sometimes it is just better to keep quiet. 

I know not everyone will agree with me on this, 

But it is necessary if you are new to a situation.

Often times someone is allowed to carry on their behavior with the understanding that it is tolerable because of who they are. I am in a weekly situation that many people find offensive but to bring it to the person’s attention will not change it and might bring about a major emotional crisis that could be devastating. The person is in their 80’s, has been a volunteer for many years and has a home bound spouse that he takes care of. This is his only outlet to serve in an important capacity outside the home and so his behavior is endured by the staff – we work around it.

I would agree in other situations where someone’s behavior has a major impact on the environment, then, to keep quiet might not be in the interest of all concerned. But and I say this with a big “CAUTION” for your own good. Search out the reasons for everyone’s lack of movement in the circumstance before commenting on it. I remember being in another situation where an administrator’s caustic behavior was being tolerated and I recall thinking, why would anyone put up with this bully. I was new on the job, just a few weeks. I wasn’t privy to the fact that he had recently been under treatment for a brain tumor and the radiation along with chemotherapy had radically changed his behavior.

I’m just saying weigh the situation and its consequences carefully before stating an opinion on the circumstances. You have not walked a mile in another person’s moccasins and until you do don’t make emotionally charged decisions to alter a situation without the facts. The tongue is a mighty weapon and in the hands of the wrong information it can change your circumstances for the worst in many instances.

By Sandra Miskie - Better known as Grandma Geezer Ph.D

THANKSGIVING WITHOUT THE EXTRA HELPING OF SELFISHNESS

By Sandra Miskie 

(aka: Grandma Geezer Ph.D)

In the past year the world has seemed surreal to me. 
Wars and rumors of wars. Scandal all over the government. There are famines, earthquakes and weather catastrophes. People are betraying even the most treasured moral principles and standards of behavior. Our children’s  lack of respect is shown in their appalling language and disrespect for adult authority. The leaders of our churches are all over the news which parades their sins with delight.

I am wondering if this is how my parents felt...
... As they watched their world fall apart in the 1960’s and later.  Watergate, VietNam, Woodstock, the killing of Kennedy and other government officials, their children’s use of drugs and disrespect for authority, weather catastrophes…hmmmm …are you seeing a pattern in our lifetime? I am going on four generations and it doesn’t seem to change. It’s just more apparent because of the media availability.

TRUST ME ON THIS… we can’t change the ebb and flow of history, it just seems to repeat itself. The only hope we have doesn’t lie with man because no man can be trusted to carry out perfect moral behavior. We all have weaknesses and will bend if put in the right circumstance. If I have learned anything in all my years of living it’s that even the most admired people I’ve known are not perfect.

In the midst of all the world’s upheaval we can only be responsible for                           our own behavior and our response to the circumstances it brings.

Instead of:

Reacting *** Observe all aspects of the situation

Giving your opinion***  Listen intently to others

Judging***  Evaluate the situation for solutions

Feeling helpless***  Do something to help

With Thanksgiving coming up be willing to give of yourself to others.                                         In doing that you make your own part of the world better and others who watch you may be more willing to follow in your example.

This year.... 
...Eat more "humble pie" - Willingly.

Ever thankful,

Grandma Geezer Ph.D

Eight Year Olds Are My New “Go To” People

By Sandra Miskie 

(aka: Grandma Geezer Ph.D)

I had this naïve thought that when I finished my graduate programs I would know all I needed to know. 

What I really I found out was...
... Just how much more I needed to know! 

Last night was another slap of reality of just how much I need to know in order to function in this world. It was a real eye opener.  An eight year old taught me how to get to Stream Picks, a movie program I paid for but have never used because I didn’t know how to access it. 

SO WONDERFUL AND SMART!

 It was an eight-year-old that taught me about programming phone numbers into my new phone. Now all I have to do is type their name and their number pops up in a flash. I don’t even have to strain my brain. I LOVE IT!!!

Eight year olds are fascinating! 

They are "in your face" honest. They see things so clearly. Now I know that can be annoying to those around them all day but to me they are intriguing because they make no interpretations, but see things straight on - it’s hard to fool them. It is what it is!

Eight year olds like to follow rules. 

Remember the little girl who wrote about being at the airport who was reminding her parents to look both ways before crossing? She was eight.  

My grandson who is now eight popped up and said “Grandma we need you at our school.” “ Is that so, why this time?” “ Jonathan needs some discipline because he’s a yackity yack and I can’t get anything done with him in my ear all the time! The teacher is so done with him!” Needless to say I was rolling on the floor in gales of laughter, but he just stared at me with a serious look. This was a big concern and it needed to be dealt with.

When I asked an eight year old about his parents in a counseling session and what he thought should be done he said, “ If they held hands more maybe they would start to like each other again.”    

Another little girl gave this sage advice on her parent’s marital situation, “They shouldn’t share a bathroom, cause mommy’s things get in the way of daddy’s things. They don’t play well with each other.” 

Another little girl stated that her parents  “…Should pick new friends because they always get in fights with each other. That’s what my teacher tells us if we fight on the playground.”

I remember my own children at that age...

.. Reminding me of the errors of my ways. My oldest reminded me that if I paid attention to my cooking it might taste better. I constantly dropped eggshells in their eggs – I tried to tell them I made special eggs but they weren’t fooled. I wasn’t the greatest cook back then but I have improved greatly. 

My daughter one day told me that I was too easy on the boys and they needed to stay in the corner until dinner and only have one hour of television. The two of them had gotten into some mischief and she wasn’t about to let them get away with it. One day I screamed at my youngest son, “You are driving me up the wall!” He didn’t want to get in trouble so he said, “ Well, if you sat on me then I wouldn’t be able to do that!”

 Eight year olds can "veeeery" compassionate!

My grandson seeing his mother in tears and worried put his hand on her head and said, “Don’t worry mom we have beans!” She was tired and didn’t know what to fix for dinner. 

My daughter came in to read me a bedtime story and tuck me in one evening when I was sick. She said, “You need to take care of yourself mom because we’re going to the movies tomorrow!” 

In a classroom full of eight year olds a very beloved teacher told me about a boy who was being disrespectful to her and how a little girl ran out of the room to go get the principal. From all accounts the little girl was so upset the principal thought the teacher was in grave danger.

Trust me on this! 

Everyone should have an eight year old on their radar to keep their behavior in line, help them with electronic gadgets, keep them up to date on the latest things that matter in the world, to keep things in perspective and most of all to keep you laughing out loud!

Your Ever Learning Pal,

Grandma Geezer Ph.D

"A Legacy to Pass On "

By Grandma Geezer Ph.D.

The following statements were designed to make us think before we act. I like them because if I follow their dictates then I can stay out of trouble and personally … I like life without a boatload of problems.

Do I follow these words of wisdom on a regular basis… at least 91% of the time!   I am trying to up my percentage but I seem to have maxed out. However, I will keep trying my best.

He who holds his tongue is wise.

I have hurt so many people by not thinking through what I say before I say it. My children are unfortunately some of the victims of my tongue. I give my opinion before I am asked. They respond quite well by saying, “I am informing you of what I’m doing out of respect but I didn’t ask for your opinion on what I’ll be doing.” Well, ok, I think to myself, you’ve stepped in it again. Now my motto is “I don’t have to live the consequences of their choices. I will be there however they turn out.” If I disagree it’s just because I don’t want them to be hurt…but they are adults and I can’t be there 24/7. The interesting side to this behavior change is that they will ask for my opinion more often. The important part of this as well, don’t forget to apologize for those unintended hurts you caused.

If I don’t like the person I become when I’m with another person or in a particular situation I will at all cost avoid those settings whenever possible.

There are times that this is a hard thing to carry out. If I walk away from a person or situation and I’m furious or deeply bothered by it, I reflect on the person I want to be. When I don’t reflect, the situation escalates into molten lava spewing out on unintended victims. However, if I measure the impact on my life, the stress, the assumed loss of control at the moment, my "pride-o-meter" and other aspects of negative thought processes, I realize the cost is not worth it. 

I like being sane! I don’t like being crazy! 

Being sane means I don’t mull over the situation, I sleep better at night, I don’t head over to McD’s for my fourth ice cream cone (They’re dipped in chocolate now!), I don’t shed buckets of tears and therefore my eyes aren’t puffy and most importantly of all I avoid hurting those I care about.

I want to leave a legacy

What do I want my children and others to say about me at my funeral? 
Will they follow my example in their lives? 
What do they think of me now?

My youngest son who is now in his mid thirties recalls me driving through a McDonalds window to return a nickel. It stuck in his mind that even keeping a nickel that doesn’t belong to you should be returned. That lesson has permeated other aspects of his life. That’s a legacy! You never know what simple little thing you do that will change the way someone will approach life and that will carry through generationally.

My grandson saw a tear running down my face one day as I paused while reading a story to four of my grandchildren. “Are you talking to God again?  He asked me. “Yes I am and I am thanking Him for giving me enough time to meet all of you.” I replied.

 I was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given two months to live and the grandchildren around me hadn’t been born yet. Another legacy —  to remember his grandmother in that way just may make him a better grandparent.

(side note... I have survived a cancer diagnosis for 20 years so far!)

Trust me on this! 

The more you practice the above, the stronger you will become at living a more peaceful, sane life. Thinking ahead, watching what you say and do is the key to happiness. Wealth is not in the amount of things you have it is really measured in the peace you have in whatever chaos is surrounding you. I’m sure all of you out there will surpass the 91% that Grandma Geezer has stalled on. It just might be the hardest thing  you’ve ever worked on but well worth the effort.

Ever Attempting to be Yours Truly,
Grandma Geezer 

Who Am I Influencing?

By Grandma Geezer Ph.D.

As a psychologist ...

... I have always been amazed by the behavior of people. 

Notice that I said "amazed", but not surprised by clients behavior! 

Any one of us could snap in a moments notice...
... If we’re not careful to gauge our critical thinking skills. Instead of looking at others, I will admonish myself and give you examples of my own life where I was less than calm, cool and collected. Perhaps you can learn to prepare, pause, reflect and stop unexpected "pop ups" in your behavior.

I knew the day was going to be difficult because of the people involved. 

The day before had been a clue as to what was going to transpire. A meeting had been called to talk about team management. What that had always meant was that they make the decisions and I blindly follow the agenda and never disagree with the outcome. I was feeling the pressure the minute I stepped into my office and turned on my computer. Before me was a list of agenda items and I knew then I had to keep my cool. I didn’t. During the meeting I raised my voice, pounded my fist on the table and in no uncertain terms told them I was done going along with their demands that were totally unreasonable – I also reminded them of the schedules they were not keeping, the lack of respect they gave me, the unfounded lies and trouble they got in because of it and other various poor behavior on their part. Although the rest of the staff cheered me on I felt horrible.     Yes, they were unprofessional but so was I in my rant. They may have had it coming but it was poor form on my part to let them have it when I knew all the staff was behind me watching.

REPEAT! I knew the day was going to be difficult…

I needed to rest well the night before and get to bed early. I didn’t PREPARE. I may not have known the exact things they were going to say but I didn’t PAUSE before speaking. Had I paused I would have REFLECTED on the fact that I wasn’t the real target of their anger. As the school psychologist I had my own office which was quiet and nobody came in unless invited. As well, I delt with one or two students at a time not a classroom of twelve to fifteen special education middle schoolers, who were totally unpredictable in a classroom about the size of my office. These teachers were often missing school and personal items taken or broken by the students, they were constantly harassed by the parents, they rarely left their small rooms because one or more of the students were always on behavior holds and I could go on but I think you get the picture.  I then would have STOPPED and curtailed my feelings on the spot and been more careful with my words - a much better professional approach. I didn't  follow the rules of H.A.L.T.

MAKE NO DECISIONS OR MAJOR COMMITMENTS WHEN YOU ARE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING -

H  - HUNGRY

A  - ANGRY

L  - LONELY

T  - TIRED

Let me give you a couple of examples where I did follow the above steps.

 1.) I was taking my mother to a doctor’s appointment and this car from out of nowhere cutting me off and missing my new car’s bumper by inches. I bet you know what I wanted to do … the hand was ready and the window was open but the fear on my mother’s face made me slow down, breathe deeply, think of how lucky we were not to have been hit and express that to my mother. This calmed her down and allowed her to realize why it’s better she is not driving.

2.) I was in the grocery store with three small children who were hungry, tired and restless – my schedule for the day got waylaid and I had no choice.  As I got them out of the car the teasing started between them. This was not going to be good. I bet you know what I wanted to do…the face was red and the vocal chords were ready but the tears on their faces made me head straight to the snack section and rip open a box of cookies for each one of them, then I headed for the string cheese and finally for the bottled water aisle. As they all sat content in the food cart I smiled.  I continued my shopping thinking to myself it’s not their fault my schedule was so crazy. At the checkout counter someone said to me, “ Your children are so well behaved!”If she only knew!(I chuckled to myself!) In both situations someone was watching my behavior and their emotions would be escalated or calmed by my demeanor.  

I’m a work in progress. If I’m rested I can follow the steps. 

If I’m tired WATCH OUT! I’ve learned how important it is to be an example. I’m more aware of my limits both physical and emotional. The most important lesson I’ve learned in my old age is to CAVE…when I know I’m not fit for human contact! Caving is safe! You go into hiding, don’t answer phones, doors, emails, etc. and do ME time. 

Trust me on this… it will save you a lot of headaches.

Yours ever truly (Crabby or not),

By Grandma Geezer Ph.D.

ARE YOU A VICTIM OR PRODUCT OF YOUR ENVIRONMENT?

By Sandra Miskie

Aka: "Grandma Geezer Ph.D"

Could it be  "Dave" the founder Wendy’s...
... Or the Superman Actor Christopher Reeve ?  

These two along with many others have fought through devastating circumstances, are products of their environment because they have given back to society. Their history did not cripple them but gave them a strong resolve to go forward and make things better not only for themselves but for others. They could have easily given up and no one would have blamed them but that was not an option. 

Too often we are bombarded with the failures in our society who are labeled victims. 

Those icons who had talent beyond measure and came from very poor backgrounds who ended up in morgues with their devastating secrets revealed, these  are victims according to the press and others. They added little to society but got a lot of attention and fame along with the big bucks. They chose to give up and ultimately lost their lives. 

What is the fine line that separates these two groups?
It’s the people who surrounded them. 

You can be supported or enabled. 

A supported person will get wisdom and correction from those around them and will savor it – ultimately making ongoing corrective actions the key in their lifestyle. The enabled person will have “Yes Men” around them who will agree to their demands and do nothing to correct their behavior beyond telling them they could try to change a few things. 

We all have people in our lives who will agree with us no matter how wrong we might be, 

Especially if we can manipulate their thinking to our belief in the facts. There are also those who know only how to criticize our actions – I avoid them. The third group is someone who will evaluate all situations, give wisdom into the situation not advice and ultimately show us a corrective path. Although the first group feeds our ego they often don’t have the right direction for the solution to our problem. 

I have to say, Trust me on this! 

The peace I gain from the third group, is phenomenal. My pride has been crushed, my ego in disrepair, my confidence wobbly and my need for repentance is overwhelming but ultimately I know deep down in my soul I am responsible for my behavior in all circumstances. I know my third group of people are the ones who truly care how I finish out my life. I can go forward in the confidence that I will not become a victim. I will become a stronger, wiser individual who will lead others into creating monumental lives and ultimately change things for the better.  

So! Go ahead and bravely ask yourself these questions!

Are the circumstances in which you came from crippling you or making you stronger? 

Are you taking charge of your life or are others running it for you? 

Are you dependent on others or independent in taking care of your daily needs? 

These three questions will decide whether you are a victim or product of your environment.

Remember a product gets better and better as it matures. 

Product or victim it’s all up to you.

Telling it like it is,
Grandma Geezer Ph.D.

"THE MARATHON"

By Sandra Miskie 

(aka: Grandma Geezer Ph.D)

I’ve learned a lot in the past year. 

Some of it was immediate and other things took a lot of time. Sort of like touching a hot stove versus putting yourself into the same destructive life patterns.  Like cooking… some things just need blanching other things need hours. 


Some things will lose their flavor if cooked too long other things will make you sick if not cooked long enough. 

I will now stop with the metaphors... 

...And give you an example of one situation Grandma Geezer begs you to look at, so you will avoid the chaos she has encountered. 

Trust me on this! 

The following highlighted items are crucial!

DON’T PROMISE TOO MUCH!!!   

 PLAN AHEAD!!!   

PUT EVERYTHING DOWN ON A CALENDAR!!!

LEAVE ROOM FOR EMERGENCIES!!!

Don’t trust your memory. 

In the midst of a busy time make sure your calendar is never more than inches away or put it on your phone. Grandma Geezer’s phone skill’s are as high tech as her computer skills so I haven’t mastered that yet but this year I will. Twice this year I broke the habit of checking my calendar on a daily basis and believe me, especially if you’re retired that is dreadful. One day kind of floats into another and things get scheduled over each other. What I’ve learned … My energy level doesn’t reach the level it used to and chaos ensues.

“ Don’t forget brunch tomorrow!” 

Yikes, I promised a longtime friend I’d go to her pottery showing at ten in the morning. She was having brunch at her house before we left to the show. A variety of tasty treats were laid out on the table and I ate them all. I know better…but she’s such a good cook! After buying three pieces of pottery I knew I was in trouble. My stomach wasn’t feeling well and I needed a bathroom but I had to be in the mountains for a wedding of a friend’s daughter I thought was the next week. It will take me forty minutes to get there and I had two and a half hours left. No problem.

I couldn’t find the map to the church that morning...

...So I kept calling various people to guide me. No one answered my messages and I was getting nervous. Twenty minutes later, after finding a bathroom I’m back on the road. Let’s see I have two hours and ten minutes. OK! Finally I got hold of someone who gave me directions…  “See ya at one!”  ONE O”CLOCK!!! (I THOUGHT IT WAS AT TWO!) Funny how a nervous moment like that sends you back to the bathroom! I’m now back to fifty minutes because of a short restroom break.

I find the church because of excellent directions with minutes to spare and sit down on an aisle seat. What a precious wedding but I couldn’t stay for the reception because in November I was asked to play flute in a winter concert and accepted! When I found out the concert was on the wedding day four weeks later there was nothing I could do. No problem I thought I’ll have just enough time to acclimate from the mountain drive to the concert, I’ll wear the same clothes to the wedding I need for the concert and I’ll be able to keep my instrument in the car as well as the chocolate treats I made because the weather was cooperating. The drive back was over an hour and I was a little tired but I had to place the Christmas treats I promised on everyone’s music seats before the concert.

The concert is halfway over and I notice my feet are freezing because I didn’t put on my boots before leaving the car because I was in a hurry. It was hurting cold. I’m placing hand warmers in my cute little shoes to keep my toes warm and then I’m taking them out to warm my fingers because my flute is cold. I don’t care if people are wondering what I’m doing … I’m cold! They said we would be in a heated tent but unless I’m wrong heated means any temperature above 65 degrees.  I’m not looking forward to the walk back uphill,  two blocks to the car with a purse, my instrument and the bag with leftover treats.  Stiff and cold I am fortunate to get a ride on a golf cart being sent around to pick up seniors. I love being a senior! I get into my Subaru and immediately turn on the heated seats and wait until my brain unfreezes. My phone rings, “ Where do you want to meet for dinner?”.

Needless to say I didn’t follow any of the above highlighted items.  

As I look back on the day a month later I realize I shouldn’t have eaten all the brunch food, I should have gotten the directions days before, I should have kept the wedding invitation in sight, I should have kept my boots on all day instead of showing off my cute silver socks and I should have skipped the concert because there are plenty of future opportunities. The good parts of the day were there but not enjoyed. 

I’m still learning this lesson ....

"To enjoy life to the fullest - don’t cram it together in a marathon of events."

Yours Ever So Truly,

GG

Grandma Geezer’s Introduction (WHO AM I?)

To Blog or not to Blog? 

That is the question. 

Should I listen to my children and a lifetime friend who encourages me to Blog, or should I completely ignore their requests and enjoy retirement…[I can hear my children saying “Get on with it mom!”]. I’ve decided to give it a try. After all there are a lot of retired people who have gone on to second careers and made a go of it! Why not me? What have I got to lose except a few moments spent in playing Solitaire, Free Cell or Hearts.

I have to admit two things. 

I get excited when my children and their spouses who range in age from 30 to 42, support the idea of writing at my age and actually give positive comments about what I’ve written. Maybe I should give the populace at large the benefit of my experiences so that they never have to make the same errors in judgment that I did growing up. Maybe, just maybe my grandchildren will pick up on this as well. The other admittance is I have no idea what a Blog is, so my younger friend, who is an Apple geek and designed the Web Page, will be helping me. I hope she still remains my friend after this!

Have you ever wished you had “Do Overs”? 

I can’t tell you the number of “Do Overs” I wish I had. Would they have made a difference? Possibly, in most cases yes. In the few others it wouldn’t have but I could have saved myself a lot of anxiety, anger, moodiness and downright rudeness to others, if I’d just done what two of my friends do…wait hours or days before responding to situations that cause negative feelings. If something gets me going I just jump in…poor thinking process.

Have you ever walked blindly into a bus?

Sometimes other people will shove you. If you aren’t watching and examining the company you keep the bus will hit you more than once.  I’ve been thrown under the bus by others and it’s not pleasant but it only happens once with an individual and I’m out of there. However, had I prepared myself in advance for this person’s obvious behavior pattern I could have avoided the situation entirely.

Have you ever tried so hard to like someone it encompassed your whole being? 

That is an exhausting process to go through. You’ll find yourself in pieces scattered all over the place and wonder if you’ll ever feel whole again. Been there and done that! Better to walk away with at least most of your parts than stay. The parts grow back eventually but not without regret and sometimes bitterness remains so deep it will take major construction equipment to remove it.

Have you ever had major episodes of disappointment? 

You’ve tried to make good decisions and for whatever reasons they never come to fruition. You try to save money but unexpected events are always happening to drain the piggy bank. You take good care of your health, eat right, exercise and you end up with a terminal diagnosis. You work on a job for years and in the roughest part of the economy you lose it and the benefits. People you’ve known for years and that you’ve supported, all of a sudden turn on you because of a misunderstanding that could be settled by talking it out…but they will have no part of it.

Have you ever been rumored about...

...Where others believe another side of a story and never ask your part of the details?

Does your past impact every part of your life and the mistakes you make? 

How, you ask yourself can I change what I am? Maybe you’ve noticed behavior in a close friend that you’ve ignored because you care for them and it doesn’t have a negative impact on you…however it does impact aspects of their life over and over again. Do you want to say something but can’t seem to find an appropriate time to approach the subject?

Well, my friends that is why I’m writing the Blog,

Because I want to help guide others to a point where the chaos is reduced, emotions are balanced, rhetoric is traded for truth and you find a truly peaceful balance in life. Will it happen overnight? No! But often times in knowing others have made it through the above mentioned circumstances, is enough to motivate you to seek life changing decisions. Look for wisdom in changing your circumstances not just knowledge…wisdom brings with it years of experience where knowledge is found in many books but often times has no real understanding of your experience. 

To walk in another’s shoes is the key …..Trust me on this.

G.G. Ph.D