By Grandma Geezer Ph.D.
As a psychologist ...
... I have always been amazed by the behavior of people.
Notice that I said "amazed", but not surprised by clients behavior!
Any one of us could snap in a moments notice...
... If we’re not careful to gauge our critical thinking skills. Instead of looking at others, I will admonish myself and give you examples of my own life where I was less than calm, cool and collected. Perhaps you can learn to prepare, pause, reflect and stop unexpected "pop ups" in your behavior.
I knew the day was going to be difficult because of the people involved.
The day before had been a clue as to what was going to transpire. A meeting had been called to talk about team management. What that had always meant was that they make the decisions and I blindly follow the agenda and never disagree with the outcome. I was feeling the pressure the minute I stepped into my office and turned on my computer. Before me was a list of agenda items and I knew then I had to keep my cool. I didn’t. During the meeting I raised my voice, pounded my fist on the table and in no uncertain terms told them I was done going along with their demands that were totally unreasonable – I also reminded them of the schedules they were not keeping, the lack of respect they gave me, the unfounded lies and trouble they got in because of it and other various poor behavior on their part. Although the rest of the staff cheered me on I felt horrible. Yes, they were unprofessional but so was I in my rant. They may have had it coming but it was poor form on my part to let them have it when I knew all the staff was behind me watching.
REPEAT! I knew the day was going to be difficult…
I needed to rest well the night before and get to bed early. I didn’t PREPARE. I may not have known the exact things they were going to say but I didn’t PAUSE before speaking. Had I paused I would have REFLECTED on the fact that I wasn’t the real target of their anger. As the school psychologist I had my own office which was quiet and nobody came in unless invited. As well, I delt with one or two students at a time not a classroom of twelve to fifteen special education middle schoolers, who were totally unpredictable in a classroom about the size of my office. These teachers were often missing school and personal items taken or broken by the students, they were constantly harassed by the parents, they rarely left their small rooms because one or more of the students were always on behavior holds and I could go on but I think you get the picture. I then would have STOPPED and curtailed my feelings on the spot and been more careful with my words - a much better professional approach. I didn't follow the rules of H.A.L.T.
MAKE NO DECISIONS OR MAJOR COMMITMENTS WHEN YOU ARE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING -
H - HUNGRY
A - ANGRY
L - LONELY
T - TIRED
Let me give you a couple of examples where I did follow the above steps.
1.) I was taking my mother to a doctor’s appointment and this car from out of nowhere cutting me off and missing my new car’s bumper by inches. I bet you know what I wanted to do … the hand was ready and the window was open but the fear on my mother’s face made me slow down, breathe deeply, think of how lucky we were not to have been hit and express that to my mother. This calmed her down and allowed her to realize why it’s better she is not driving.
2.) I was in the grocery store with three small children who were hungry, tired and restless – my schedule for the day got waylaid and I had no choice. As I got them out of the car the teasing started between them. This was not going to be good. I bet you know what I wanted to do…the face was red and the vocal chords were ready but the tears on their faces made me head straight to the snack section and rip open a box of cookies for each one of them, then I headed for the string cheese and finally for the bottled water aisle. As they all sat content in the food cart I smiled. I continued my shopping thinking to myself it’s not their fault my schedule was so crazy. At the checkout counter someone said to me, “ Your children are so well behaved!”If she only knew!(I chuckled to myself!) In both situations someone was watching my behavior and their emotions would be escalated or calmed by my demeanor.
I’m a work in progress. If I’m rested I can follow the steps.
If I’m tired WATCH OUT! I’ve learned how important it is to be an example. I’m more aware of my limits both physical and emotional. The most important lesson I’ve learned in my old age is to CAVE…when I know I’m not fit for human contact! Caving is safe! You go into hiding, don’t answer phones, doors, emails, etc. and do ME time.
Trust me on this… it will save you a lot of headaches.
Yours ever truly (Crabby or not),
By Grandma Geezer Ph.D.
